Where I found my peace...

I count myself fortunate... I realize that peace is not something that one comes by easily. I think I've had it for so long that I almost forgot how much of a difference it can make, I almost forgot the cost.

(As I told JP on Sunday - I over explain just about everything I do... don't know why I feel the need to share all the details, but it is part of who I am. I'll try not to go into too much detail here...)

When I was 13 I had a salvation experience. I was attending a Christian retreat and had an experience of being "born again"... what I really experienced was a revelation... Not only did God exist, but he knew EXACTLY who I was and am, and he really cares specifically for me. At that stage in my life, that was a life changing experience. Everything was different from that point forward. This revelation did change my entire perspective on the world as I knew it, but understanding more of who God is and future revelations didn't expand much beyond that at that time.

9 years later, another retreat, I found my peace...

We spent time talking about what the Bible says, who is the Holy Spirit, how the Devil works to confuse and frustrate us. The leader of the retreat prayed that the Holy Spirit would reveal lies that the Devil was using to work against us. He then spoke up and said that one of us didn't believe that there really was life after death.

"Could he really be talking about me?" It wasn't that I didn't believe, but... see here's the thing. Over the years that I have considered myself a Christian, I heard many times the scripture (john 3:16) "God so loved the world that He gave his only son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." It says what will happen if you believe, but I inferred if some one didn't believe in Jesus as their savior, they'd be damned. A few over-zealous evangelists who still pursue the 'fire and brimstone' preaching, turn or burn, perpetuated my confusion. I hadn't explored my faith to much depth or read my bible thoroughly enough to consider the error in a 'turn or burn' salvation. God's character doesn't want us to come to him out of a fear of hell... I know that now...

Regardless, my parents had raised us in a Christian tradition. We went to church every Sunday. We learned about Jesus, but mostly from what was taught to us in Sunday School. I don't ever recall my Mom reading a bible or verbally expressing her faith to me. She was a private person, who, unlike me, did not talk alot about her feelings or beliefs. And, I was only 17 when she died, so I may not have had the maturity to receive what she would have, or maybe did say, and I simply don't recall.

so yeah, I do think he was talking about me. If I couldn't say for certain if my Mom was in heaven or hell, it would be easier for me to just not think about eternal life at all. I definitely didn't want to ask God that question... what if he answered and I couldn't hear the answer because I don't want to...

My heart was pounding in my ears. I was more nervous than I'd ever been, more nervous than playing a solo in a concert, more nervous than speaking in front of hundreds of people, I literally thought I could faint. I knew I needed to ask God this question, completely terrified to know the answer. But I knew I had to, so I prayed, silently. "God, I know you love me, I know you care for me, and I know I'll experience eternal life with you, but how can I know that my Mom will? I need to know where she is." And almost as soon as the thought was spoken in my mind, I had an answer. As sure as I would have been had it been spoken audibly, I'd heard "She's with me."

He answered - "She's with me"

Instant peace. For the first time in the 4 years since she'd passed, I could think about her and experience JOY! Since that day, I have thought more on how wonderful she was and what she has given to me and how proud I am to be like her than on the pain of her illness and death or how much she is missing or how much I miss her. I won't say that I don't have such thoughts, but the sad thoughts are quickly replaced by thoughts of joy.

And as for the cost.... which I can so easily overlook, that which was sacrificed that I might experience such a complete peace. If God had not sacrificed, if Jesus had not gone to the Cross, innocent in himself, but punished for the sins of the world, we would be forever separated from God.... no hope of heaven - for me and for my Mom; no hope of a Holy Spirit, who can speak to my heart and in an instant with a word bring peace....

... that is where I've found my treasured peace.